It’s funny because Em’s Corner was the name of my very first Blog that I created back in 2013. I struggled with that blog because I had a variety of topics I wanted to cover, but felt like I needed focus. Flash forward to 2016 when I made Creating Footprints, this blog devoted to traveling, and I feel like I found that focus. But lately I have felt this itch to still create a platform and a space where I can express myself on this blog, about topics varying from travel. Things like body image, body positivity, being a young college student about to graduate, and so much more. Hence, I thought bringing back Em’s Corner would be the perfect way for me to explore the other aspects of my identity and share them with you.
I am writing at a time when a lot of huge changes are on the brink. Today is the last day of my Winter Break, and tomorrow mark’s my very last “first” day of my college career. That’s a pretty huge deal. I have one semester left, four more classes and roughly four months until this entirely huge part of my journey, my identity, and who I am will come to a close.
I’m not sure if I am the kind of person who is okay with closing chapters, I’d like to think I am and that I can see the overwhelming goodness that comes from saying goodbyes, and see-you-laters, but there is a huge part of me that mourns things ending. It has been almost five years since I graduated from High School, and I still miss the exciting anticipation of meeting my friends during Nutrition and Lunch time. I miss the people in my classes who I sat next to and shared great conversations with and who played a huge part of my life at that moment and time.
So for me, as much as I am excited as hell to be done and to have my Bachelor’s Degree, I am also deeply saddened at the thought of being done. Woah… what a journey it has been. From leaving San Diego State after my freshmen year, attending Long Beach City College, to now being at Cal State Long Beach. During these last five years I have lost people dearest to my heart, I have gained valuable friendships, lost some friendships, and learned the value of independence. I am overwhelmed with gratitude at the people in my life who have been there along this entire journey. My Mom who has made it her life to take care of me and to see me through college and I could not be more proud of who she has become and who she is to me. She is my best best friend and I am so overwhelmingly grateful for her. The friends, the strangers, the teachers, the classmates, the scary moments, the tears, the laughs… It’s all part of my journey.
Sometimes it does still feel like I’m looking out over the edge of this huge cliff that keeps inching closer and closer. This thing that people keep referring to as “real life,” the thing that keeps prompting people to ask me, “so what are your plans after college.” I’d love to say I’ve got this ALL figured out. I have my t’s crossed and my i’s dotted, however, that is not the case.
I’m currently living in this place where I have to constantly reject this notion that suddenly I should have my entire life planned out. That for some reason come May 24th once I walk across that stage I should suddenly understand what my entire life’s purpose is. That it will all come to this beautiful climax in which I flourish and grow and have zero issues. Ha Ha. Wishful thinking.
What if I want it to be okay for my response to those questions to be “I don’t know”, and I am okay with not knowing and I am okay with removing that pressure from myself to have it all figured out. Because if I have learned anything along this journey it has been that change is the one constant thing in life and that no matter where you are at in your life- whether you are 50 years old, or 15 years old- there is a whole box of issues and challenges facing you and you will never be fully prepared for them. And I don’t want to do myself the disservice of trying so hardly to grasp what things should look like that I fail to see the cues life constantly throws at my way that are guiding me on where my life should go.
Here are some things that in this moment, today, on January 22nd, I know I want from life. I want this to be the year of self-exploration. I want to devote myself to learning more about who I am and enriching my mind, body, and spirit. I want to journey further into body positivity and self-love. I would love to see that continue to manifest itself in other ways so that I can share it with people in the community to help them work through their own issues with body image and self esteem.
I would love to continue writing in any capacity. If it could be freelancing that would be great, if I could be a staff writer for a publication that would be amazing.I’d love to be an editor or writer for a magazine like Conde Nast Traveller, or National Geographic. I want work that thrills and excites me. I want to travel and I want the world to teach me things and to mold me into a person who has perspective and understanding of things far greater and bigger than myself and my own little world and bubble that I grew up in. If there’s an opportunity to travel and teach or write, anything that allows me to see the world I am all for it.
I want to harness a relationship with my boyfriend that enables us to both grow together and to achieve our dreams together- its possible and I want deeply to figure out how we can both use this next year to elevate our own lives individually and together as a unit. I want a job that doesn’t feel like a job and I refuse to work my ass off everyday for something that I don’t fully support and for something that doesn’t sit right in my core.
I realize none of this is uber specific, and to some it might sound hippie dippie, and hey that is really okay, I don’t mind. But I can’t stop allowing myself to discover what my purpose is here and I can’t allow myself to stop being creative.
Thinking about going back to school tomorrow stirs up a slur of emotions and ideas and feelings. I am excited because I love school, I love the pens and notebooks and taking notes, asking questions, learning. I don’t look forward as much to the hoards of people, the endless to-do lists and the anxiety that seems to follow because of those. But I am determined, and I mean determined to ensure peace this semester. I have let go of a lot of things coming into the new year that I felt were no longer bringing me joy and that I truly felt like were bringing me down or holding me back in some way.
And although I always feel antsy and scared when it is time for the new school semester, I want to practice self-love, self-care, and above all else cultivating a sense of ease and peace with everything I do this semester.
It’s currently pouring down rain in Long Beach, and while some might take that as a strike of bad luck- I love the rain, I thrive in rain and I am taking this as a sheer sign that this semester, this year, this time in my life is going to be difficult and challenging, but one of the most rewarding. I am determined to soak every single ounce of it up.
Thank you for taking a peek inside of my current truth and reality.